Fast Car
by IggyLikesPie
Summary: You got a fast car/ But is it fast enough so we can fly away?/ We gotta make a decision/ We leave tonight or live and die this way. - Fast Car (Tracy Chapman) / [AU after Season 8] With all the Angels back in Heaven, Sam recovered from the Trials and Crowley having disappeared to God knows where, Dean was feeling a little lost with what was left in the world. [Merry Christmas!]
1. Chapter 1

_You got a fast car__  
><em>_But is it fast enough so we can fly away?__  
><em>_We gotta make a decision__  
><em>_We leave tonight or live and die this way._

~~ Fast Car (Tracy Chapman)

_"So this is it? ET goes home."_

~x~x~x~

That had been months ago, and yet here Dean was; some shady bar, middle of the night, who-knows-what-number glass of whiskey being nursed between his hands.

A few girls had tried to draw his attention over the course of the night. The last one would have been perfect about a year ago but now... everything had just been slightly off.

Her hair had been a little too long and a little too light, her eyes hadn't been the right shade of blue, her face had been too round and her clothes too tight, showing off everything she wanted people to see, rather than wearing a trenchcoat that left Dean guessing.

People had left him alone after her, it was late and he'd been filed under 'lost cause' by everyone left in the bar. Even the bartender was giving him side long looks that showed she wanted to ask but she didn't dare to.

The hunter downed the last of his drink and tapped the bar before paying his tab.

The cool, night air cut into his skin when he stepped outside.

He was safe to drive. Probably.

Dean could smell alcohol on the breeze next to the bar along with the general smell of _clean_ that came after a rainfall. Besides the sounds of cars driving through puddles, sending out small tidal waves, he could hear laughing, a car alarm, dogs barking, just sounds of night time and a completely ordinary world that continues to turn, regardless of individuals.

It was a clear night, no clouds blocking the light of the stars in the heavens above. The elder Winchester leant heavily on the side of the impala, simply looking up.

He could still see that night, how small pockets of blue light had lit up the sky like miniature suns, leaving ripples of blue and white in the vast void as all the Angels went home; each one disappearing in the blink of an eye.

'Solar flares' scientists had said. Completely unexpected, witnessed all over the world, solar flares.

It was all balls.  
>There were only a few who knew what had really happened, but even some of them didn't care.<p>

They didn't care that Cas was risking his life to go back and sort everything out.

They didn't care that there was an empty room in the bunker, with a bed still made up even though the one it was intended for had never slept in it.

They didn't care that there was a hole in Dean's family that would never be filled.

Shit, he got drunk so he didn't have to think about this. But here he was, these stupid Goddamn thoughts still swirling around his head along with haunting memories of clear, blue eyes and wind-tunnel hair.

_He's better off there_, Dean thought to himself.  
><em>He's where he belongs.<em>_  
><em>_He'll be alright.__  
><em>_They're his family.__  
><em>  
>But Cas' family were dicks. Plain and simple. Dean could only hope that he was still alive, that he was still a wave-y, holy whatever and that things were being sorted out.<p>

The drive back to the Bunker was half an hour of more thinking that Dean couldn't avoid no matter what. So long had he spent just ignoring everything that, now, these thoughts were everywhere and they took every opportunity to slap realisations into him. Waking or not, every look and every word would come back and show him something he had failed to see the first time around.

But to think that he had only had these thoughts, these... _feelings_, since Cas had left was just another lie that finished off the house of cards that was the hunter's life.

The first major realisation had hit him in Purgatory, next to that lake; seeing Cas after so long had torn away at the walls he had built around himself, stripping away at the fear and hatred until all that was left was-

No, he wouldn't think it if he had never told the Angel. It felt almost like an insult to a dead friend.  
>Even though Cas wasn't dead, he couldn't be.<br>And the other man wasn't just a friend, not any more.

The roads grew quieter as Dean drove and they seemed to stretch on forever in front of him, the dim lighting making the trees lining the road seem monochrome in colour, like the ones in Purgatory. Everything lead back to that place - that realisation - if Dean looked at it too long. He hated it. He should have just said something.

~x~x~x~

The Bunker door closed with a clang and Sam looked up blearily from where he sat at one of the first tables in the library with his laptop.

"Dude, where've you been? It's past one." he asked, standing up as Dean came down the steps.

"Just out, Sammy, don't worry about it."

And there was the bitchface. "You've been drinking again." Sam didn't phrase it like a question, he already knew.

"Dont worry, I only had a couple." Dean waved his hand but he could hear the lie in his own words as the slurred together a little.

Sam moved and blocked his path to the bedrooms. "'A couple'? What, a couple hundred?" the younger brother snorted. "You gotta stop doing this Dean! This is the worst I've seen you in years!" He bit his lip in hesitation before asking more quietly "Is this about Cas?"

Dean made eye contact now and tried to ignore the tears that wanted to spill over, like a dam finally breaking. "What? No, of course not! He's back home now, ain't he? He'll be better off."

"Dean-"

"Just don't, Sam. Don't; he left us and that's obviously what he wanted. He's gonna patch up Heaven and, if we're lucky, we won't have to see any of them flying dick-monkeys again, period." Dean snapped, moving around Sam and carrying on towards his room.

He glanced back when Sam gave a long sigh to find the bitchface his brother had been sporting had turned into a combination of _'talking-to-you-is-like-pulling-teeth' _and _'I-know-that-isn't-the-full story-so-we're-not-done-talking'._

"G'night Sammy."Dean told him before carrying on to his room, looking at the door just next to it for too long of a time. "G'night Cas." he breathed.

~x~x~x~

In January, Charlie came to live in the Bunker along with Sam, Dean and Kevin, after the computers had given in for a week due to Sam trying to set up a database and some other crap Dean couldn't understand.

Another bed was made up, across the hall and one door down from Castiel's room, because that would always be Castiel's room.

Between them (as in Dean tried to keep up but ended up feeling more like he was intruding) they managed to get the computers going again and Charlie helped to set up an internal index, ready for everything the Men of Letters had to be catalogued.

After that, Charlie had insisted that they all _absolutely needed_ to watch _Game of Thrones_ and so Dean was on coffee duty. He was padding back to the room they had cleared of boxes and turned into a make-shift living room, to ask Charlie how many sugars she wanted in her coffee, when he heard them all talking. And not chatty talk-y, no, that was Sam's serious voice.

"... So where's Castiel? I thought he'd be here with you guys?" Charlie was asking.

Dean could basically hear the _awkward_ fall over the room, even before Sam spoke.

"He, uhh, he locked the gates of Heaven. All the Angels went back upstairs, including Cas. Just- just don't mention it around Dean. He's still not over it."

The older brother heard Charlie gasp. "What? That's terrible! I feel like you need to fill me in on what's going on. Again."

Dean didn't want to hear any more of that conversation; that he was being reminded that he'd be making four cups of coffee and not five.

Quietly, he walked back down the corridor before going back to the living room again, this time exaggerating his steps so that they'd echo, that they'd hear him coming and move on from talking about the stupid Angels by the time he got there.

When he leant around the door, asking how many sugars Charlie wanted, he was met by a conversation about _Game of Thrones_ compared to _Lord of the Rings_ and smiles on the faces looking up at him.

It just made him feel worse.

~x~x~x~

In mid-February, Dean started praying again. Before, on or after hunts, in the Bunker, driving the impala, just whenever.

He didn't pray to God or for anything in particular. No, Dean's prayers were more like one-sided conversations between him and Cas. Because Cas was still listening, he could just feel it.

They'd always start off the same way; Dean would tell the Angel about recent hunts, about the dog that had a hair cut that matched Sam's (and about how Sam had punched him in the shoulder when he had told him that), about what TV series Charlie had them all watching next, about how Kevin was planning on going back to school, possibly college too.

Then it would be silent for a few moments before Dean would sigh and give in to the inevitable. He would tell Cas about how he hoped he was alright, that things were being sorted out, tell him about stupid things that would remind him of the other man; 'should've seen this cat, man, I swear you'd've loved it' or 'I saw someone in a trench this morning... I almost thought it was you'.

Sometimes, when Dean was truly low, he could almost hear the beat of Angel wings as Cas came home; came to his _real_ home, with them - with _Dean_ - in the Bunker. He would listen for the sound of wind rushing through feathers, the sound that haunted his sleep as much as a deep, rumbling voice did.

But it never came, of course. No, Castiel was still gone and Dean was basically just talking to himself.

"I was such a coward, Cas. I'm so sorry." was how most of Dean's 'prayers' would end.

~x~x~x~

This was the routine that Dean kept up for the next few months.

When May rolled around, they ended up on a werewolf hunt on Sam's birthday. Charlie had wanted them all to go to some con but Sam had been set on stopping the monster; Dean could only agree, it had killed four people already.

The tracking was long and Dean was ready to give up when they finally got a hit; a middle-aged guy had just broken into a convenience store and threatened the cashier. He'd legged it when someone had started calling the police, however, so they'd just have to go from there.

From there, it didn't take long for the brothers to find the current hideout of the werewolf before shooting him full of silver and burning the body.

It was the fourth when they finally set off back to the Bunker, a classic rock station playing from the impala's radio but not loud enough so as Sam couldn't talk over it.

"So... Are- are you okay, man?" he asked, glancing over at Dean.

"What? Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" And as things went, he was fine; no (deadly) injuries from the hunt, he'd eaten that morning and gotten a fair amount of sleep, he was practically golden by Winchester standards.

Sam sighed. "I don't just mean about the hunt, Dean, I mean about... you know."

Dean threw a frown at his little brother. "No, Sammy I don't know; what the Hell are you on about?"

"It's gonna be a year in about a week, Dean." Sam said quietly, not exactly sure what to expect as a reaction.

Dean's jaw clenched, as did his hands until his knuckles turned white while his gaze on the road turned steely. "And?" he tried to ask nonchalantly but his voice sounded tense, even to his own ears.

"I was just wondering if you were, I don't know, okay or-"

"Sam, stop; I'm fine, okay? Cas is back in Heaven and that's that, there's nothing to be done so we just gotta keep going."

"But what about your 'prof-'"

"Drop it, Sam, or I am stopping this car and your ass is walking back to Kansas, you hear me?" Dean snapped, glaring at his brother until the puppy eyes became I look of resigned acceptance.

The rest if the drive back to the Bunker was silent. Five hours of Dean's mind whispering _yeah, but you're not really fine, are you?_ and _coward, you should have said something while you had the chance_.

~x~x~x~

When May fifteenth finally arrived, Dean decided that he would act as if it were any other day.

That it hadn't been a year since _'Dean, I'm not wrong. I'll fix my home' _and then... nothing.

Dean had told Sam about the trials, about how they'd kill him if he finished them. He'd been ill that night, had been for months after, but Dean had made sure that he got better.

_'What's happening?' Sam gasped. ___

_'Angels. They're going back to Heaven.'_

The older brother rubbed a hand over his face as he sat up in bed. He wasn't going to think about it, about _any _of it.

Just a few years ago he didn't believe in Angels and, now, the world was almost the same; not a speck of holy feather dusters in sight so he could, surely, go back to how he used to be?

No, that idea was basically laughable. After everything they had been through, there was no going back, not ever.

"Mornin', Sam." Dean yawned, moving past where his brother was eating and into the main part of the kitchen to make himself some coffee.

The younger Winchester seemed to hesitate before answering. "Heya, Dean. Charlie was saying we need to go on a supply run soon so do you mind if I borrow the impala?"

Dean glanced over his shoulder to where his brother was sitting. "I'll go if you want, didn't you want to find that- that thing with Kevin?"

"The archaic demon tome? Yeah, but, I was just thinking... with today being-"

"If you say something about Angels, I swear to God, Sammy, I will kick your ass." Dean glared, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

Sam sighed and Dean could tell his younger brother had finally reached his breaking point. "Dean, you're going to have to talk about it sometime."

"Sam, there's nothing to talk about! The Angels got locked up, Crowley is who-knows-where and we're back on the job. There's nothing to talk about." the older brother practically growled.

"That's not all of it, Dean, you and I both know that." Sam snapped.

"Yes, it is! What do you want me to say? There's nothing more _to_ say!" Dean's grip on his mug hurt his hand and he almost feared it was going to shatter. His jaw was also clenched, so tight he could feel pain in his teeth.

"Dean, Cas wasn't just an Angel, he was our fri-"

"Just drop it, Sam. They're back in Heaven and that's that! Whether we talk about this," Dean gestured between them. "Or not, it doesn't matter; they're upstairs and that's the way it's gonna stay because Cas banged up the gates with all of those winged dicks inside." The older brother could feel all of the old anger and sadness and simply pure _desperation_ sliding back into his voice; he could hear it, he knew Sam could hear it, but he just didn't care anymore. The Angels _were_ gone and that was the truth, his own feelings be damned.

Sam pulled a bitchface. "That doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it."

"Yeah, well," Dean downed the last of his coffee. "I'm not going to talk about anything, and that's just the way it's gonna be."

Just as Dean was about to leave the kitchen, Charlie came through with a toothbrush in her mouth.

"A'right, wha' t'e Hel' 're you pair gettin' pisshy abou' a'ready?"

"I have a stupid sister." Dean grumbled.

"Dean is being an emotionally constipated jerk." Sam glared at the same time.

Charlie eyed them both before pulling her toothbrush out with a _pop_. "Both of you, sit. Tell your queen your woes." she gestured to the table.

Sam sat heavily into his chair and Dean flopped down into the chair next to him, a deep frown on his face.

"Right, children, we're going to learn about turn taking. Sam, go." the red head pouted, hands on her hips (toothbrush still clutched in her left fist).

"Today it's been a year since the Angels returned to Heaven, and I_ know _that Dean isn't 'okay' or whatever other bull he comes out with; _I'm_ not okay about it; Cas was our friend. And Dean, being Dean, is looking for something to do with how he _feels_," Sam emphasised the word and glared at his brother as he did so. "At the bottom of a bottle, rather than talk about it." Sam finished, crossing his arms _like the little bitch that he is_, Dean thought.

Charlie nodded slowly, eyes narrowing. "So... Dean's not using his 'emotions' setting again, right. Thank you Mr Wright, I shall consider your case. Defendant, go."

Dean pulled a look that could rival his brothers infamous bitchface before rolling his eyes with a sigh. "I just don't see why I have to talk about this; with you guys or, Hell, just with anybody! Sure, there's shit that's happened, but that's just it - it's happened, show's over, everybody pack up and go home. If Sam could just get off my back for five minutes, instead of playing freaking Dr. Phil then I'd be a whole lot better."

Charlie nodded again, her face softening a little. "I know you don't like it, but you should talk, Dean."

"Oh come _on_, Charlie? You too?! I ca-" the elder Winchester interrupted.

Charlie, however, spoke over him. "If Cas meant as much to you as I think he did - and the queen is never wrong - then you're missing him and it's tearing you up; big manly macho-ness be damned."

"Exactly!" Sam cried, turning to face his brother. "Your drinking's gotten worse, I know you're not sleeping, you've got an even shorter fuse than normal; we're trying to _help_, Dean."

Dean stood up quickly, staring both of them down. "So what do you want me to say, huh? Come on, if I'm supposed to pour my heart out, then where should I start?" The older hunter knew that he was shouting now, could see Kevin standing in the doorway looking both apprehensive and confused.

Sam stood as well, hands slightly raised in a placating gesture. "The truth, Dean."

"The truth?" Dean spat. "Okay, fine, here's the truth; yeah, I do miss him, of course I do! What kinda friend would I be if I didn't? 'Cause we were friends, me and him; heck, we were all /family/, unlike those dicks who claimed to be his brothers. No, we actually cared. What other stupid crap do you wanna hear? That his room is still made up? That sometimes I expect him to drop in and then I remember? That I lo-" Dean broke off, choked by his own words, his eyes going wide and he backed away from his brother (who he had begun to crowd as he shouted).

His own breathing was far too loud in his ears, almost as loud as his voice, as loud as what he had almost said; something that he hadn't said to someone else in so long.

"Dean-" Said man looked up to find the other three looking at him, shock on all their faces as Sam spoke. "Dean, I-"

"Save it, Sam; just leave me alone." the older brother growled, storming from the room, the heavy weight of such a compromising _almost_ settling over his shoulders and his chest.

~x~x~x~

The door was locked and Dean was blaring whatever music he had in his room as loud as he could. Despite this, however, he could still here his brother pounding on his door, shouting through to 'open up' and 'come on, Dean; don't be like this'.

Dean ignored him, waiting until he was sure that the other three inhabitants of the Bunker had gone to bed before shutting off the music and creeping into the kitchen.

He'd never gotten the chance to have breakfast, and that had been over twelve hours ago. Still, he wasn't hungry, not for food anyway. Dean pulled the unopened bottle of whiskey down from the top cupboard and grabbed a glass too.

"You need to eat something proper." Sam's voice came from behind him and Dean tensed.

"Go away, Sam; I'm not hungry." Dean muttered, pouring two fingers. He then considered it and added an extra finger; much better.

"Dean, you have the biggest appetite of anyone I've ever known; there is no way you're not hungry." The younger brother leaned, with his back against the counter, next to Dean, trying to get him to look over.

"Yeah, well." Dean downed half of the burning liquid and relished the feeling of it scorching down his throat and settling with an almost acidic burn in his stomach.

Sam sighed, turning so as to face his brother completely. "Dean, y-"

"Sam, I said go away. I've talked and it just made it worse, now _fuck off_." the elder Winchester grunted before taking another sip of his drink.

The younger hunter was looking at Dean again, the look plastered across his face that Dean completely hated; the one that said _'I'm Oprah, let me help'_.

Dean sighed; long and weary. "Sam-"

"No, Dean; running away won't help and you know that." the younger Winchester told him.

"And what good is talking when the end result will stay the same?" Dean snapped, already growing tired of the conversation.

Dean tried to ignore the pity in his brother's eyes. "... They might come back someday." Sam said quietly after a small hesitation.

The older brother snorted. "Yeah, no. No, that's not gonna happen and we both know it. Those tree-toppers are locked away upstairs and they ain't coming back."

"But-"

"There are no 'but's about this, Sam!" Dean snapped, anger rising in his voice; anger directed not at Sam, not at Cas, but at himself. He doesn't know for certain that saying something would have changed anything but at least he wouldn't be left with all these 'what if's and 'if I had only's. "Now drop it." he grabbed the bottle of whiskey, abandoning his glass, and was at the edge of the kitchen when his brother's next few, softly spoken, words made him stop.

"I think I always kinda knew, ya know?" Sam told the counter that he was looking down at. "Before Cas, even; I'd see you looking at a guy occasionally but I knew you wouldn't do anything, I'm gonna guess it was something to do with pleasing dad or being a good son or some other crap." Sam sighed and turned to face him again. "Then Cas showed up and, at first it was all... business and saving the world, right? But some time after he fell... He'd look at you like you looked at him when you thought no one could see.

"At first I thought I might have been imagining it, but that year we spent surrounded by leviathans? And no matter what, you always had his coat? It finally clicked and... I just want to see you happy, man."

Dean squared his shoulders, his brother's words cutting like shards of ice into his skin, despite how gentle the voice that spoke them was. "Well, there's nothing anyone can do to fix things now, is there? I've fucked up and I'm just gonna have to live with it." was all the elder Winchester said before leaving for his room again, wishing that he'd brought another bottle with him.

~x~x~x~

Spring and Summer passed without further mention of their lost friend.

During that time, they'd helped Garth with a couple of cases and, afterwards, another room had been filled in the Bunker due to the gangly hunter coming to stay with them too.

However, as September approached, Sam started to give Dean more of the 'are you okay?' looks and 'I'm here to talk if you want to' glances.

If Dean was honest, it was starting to drive him nuts. Charlie and Kevin were doing it too; just occasionally looking over at him with something akin to sympathy in their eyes. He hated it, it got under his skin and it was an itch he simply couldn't scratch.

Garth, however, was seemingly oblivious. The hunter would slide around the Bunker in his socks, humming songs nobody recognised under his breath and was generally easy to be around, no matter how excitable he was.

Dean didn't know which were worse to be around.

~x~x~x~

_"Cas?" Dean asked, shock setting into his system.___

_"Hello, Dean." Castiel said, a ghost of a smile making his lips twitch up at the sides.___

_"But- What? How are you here? I mean, Heaven and- and-"___

_The Angel huffed a small laugh. "I know; I'm sure it's quite the surprise. However, some order has been restored. I guess you could say that my being back is a 'test run'." Cas told him and – __**God**__ - Dean had even missed the stupid air quotes he made around stuff. "And I never had opportunity to tell you but..." And Cas smiled fully now. "Dean Winchester, I find myself unable to deny any longer that I... that I lov-"_

"Dean? Are you up?" Sam's voice filtered into Dean's mind and tore him from his dream; the scraps of it falling away until all he could see with his closed eyes was a gummy smile and bright blue eyes that he'd never see again.

"I am now, bitch." the older brother grumbled and could almost _hear_ Sam rolling his eyes. "What do you want?"

"A circuit's blown so there's no power in some parts of the Bunker, me and Charlie are gonna go get a new one and do a quick supply run; d'you need anything?"

A number of things ran through Dean's head: brain bleach, more whiskey, something to make him sleep dreamless-ly... more alcohol of any kind, just as long as it was strong.

"Nah, I'm good." Dean called back, grabbing his discarded jeans and pulling them on before going to hunt down a clean(-ish) T-shirt. Maybe he should do his laundry today, he hadn't done it in... no, he didn't have a clue. He didn't even know what date it was for sure. He was pretty sure it was late November, though.

Sam hesitated before talking again, his voice quieter now. "Good in general or just _good _good?"

The older brother straightened up from where he'd been pulling a shirt from one of the drawers and opened the door to find Sam looking like an imploring puppy.

Dean sighed and braced himself for another repetitive conversation. "Sam, I'm good. Everything's good; nobody's currently trying to destroy the world, the shit going on is relatively normal shit for us so yeah, I'm 'good'. I'm fan-freaking-tastic."

Sam looked as if he was going to say something but he stopped himself and bit his lip a little. He eventually came out with "It'll get better, Dean; things will be good, great even." before walking off, presumably to find Charlie and the impala keys, that were now often found in the kitchen with the keys to the other vehicles in the garage.

Knowing he'd never get back to sleep now, Dean made his way out of his room in search of some strong coffee, a quick breakfast and a _Star Trek_ marathon to bury everything under.

Kevin was pouring himself a cup of coffee when the elder Winchester reached the kitchen.

"Mornin'." Dean almost grunted and got a vague noise of recognition and a nod in return.

Kevin filled a second mug and offered it to Dean who murmured his thanks.

Over the summer, Kevin had started looking at college places again but was still helping them translate and sort Men of Letters files until he made a final decision.

As Dean placed a couple of rounds of bread in the toaster - and then going in search of glorious bacon - he asked the Prophet where Garth was.

Kevin looked over his shoulder as if by simply saying the other hunter's he would appear as if summoned.

"I think he mentioned tai chi and going to 'embrace the morning' or something; either way he left before you got up and hasn't been back since." Kevin said, staring blearily into his coffee.

Dean huffed a laugh. "I will never understand morning people; him and Sam are a species of their own." the elder hunter said to which Kevin 'hmm'd his agreement. "D'you want any of this?"

The younger man glanced up but shook his head; Dean was starting to think that Kevin simply lived on coffee these days.

They were silent again until Dean sat down with his (now second) cup of coffee and his breakfast and that was when Kevin looked up to meet his gaze; his eyes seemed to be permanently blood-shot now with dark bags underneath them to match his dark hair.

"I'm sorry I haven't found a way to bring them back, Dean." he told the older hunter quietly, eyes darting back to the mug he held in his hands.

Dean simply sat and stared for a moment. "W- What?" was what he eventually managed to stutter out.

"Sam said to look to see if there was a way to open the gates again." Kevin told him as if it were obvious and then his eyes narrowed. "Didn't he tell you?"

Dean pushed away his half-eaten breakfast, his lips narrowing into a thin line. "No; that little bitch hasn't said a thing." he growled, standing up with the full intention of murdering, or at least seriously harming, his younger brother.

Before he could move, however, Kevin grabbed his arm, almost glaring himself. "Don't, Dean; he was only trying to help and I wish I hadn't mentioned it now, but just... don't. He was only trying to look out for you."

"'Look out for me'?" Dean scoffed. "Jesus, why is everyone acting like I'm some stupid teenag-"

"We're not, Dean." Kevin cut him off before sighing. "We just have _eyes._ It's just that... I don't know, you seem to be in some extended period of mourning. It's not healthy."

"My whole damn life isn't healthy, Kev! Whether I drink, eat, go out, whatever; I'm probably gonna die on the job in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere, just off of highway Who-Gives-A-Damn."

"Dean..."

"No, Kev. Just save it... Please." He took his arm from out of the Prophet's weakening grip and went down to the gun range, in hopes of wearing out his... Anger? Annoyance? No... His _regret_.

Once again, one thought circled his mind and seemed sharper than any of the gun shots: _You should have just told Cas, you coward_.

~x~x~x~

Winter rolled around again and most of the Bunker's occupants found themselves bundling up in multiple hoodies and/or blankets due to the heating system in the Bunker being old and not overly efficient.

(When Dean claimed he was going to spend all day underneath a warm shower, Sam had pulled a bitchface and griped 'No, Dean, if there's no hot water for the rest of us, I'll fill your bed with snow, so help me God.')

Jody and Donna came to stay for a few days over Christmas, bringing with them a Christmas tree and decorations, although Jody claimed it was all Donna's idea.

Donna was relatively new to the whole _holy crap, that thing __**real**_ gig but she seemed to be doing alright. Originally, they had helped her with a hunt of a _Pishtaco_ in February (although she had never known what was actually going on); at a Sheriff Conference later in the year, she had helped Jody with a small vampire problem and that made her awesome in Dean's book, especially how well she handled finding out about the supernatural. Also, she had brought them cinnamon doughnuts for Christmas, scoring her even more points with the older Winchester.

As they sat watching _Home Alone 2_, as per Charlie's insistence, Dean couldn't help but notice his makeshift family had grown again.

He was sat in an armchair, Charlie on a bright purple beanbag to his left, Sam and Kevin were lounging across the floor in front of the sofa where Donna and Jody were sharing popcorn (Dean still marvelled a little at how two women so opposite could be such good friends) while Garth was snoring lightly from where he lay sprawled across the other sofa.

However, as Dean looked around he couldn't help but notice people missing. Like Rufus and Bobby who should have been there arguing about something or other in the corner; Ellen and Jo who would have gotten along so well with everyone; Pamela probably would have made it her mission to flirt with Kevin so much he exploded. Ash would have loved the library but 'hey, would it _kill_ you to computeraise this stuff?'.

And Cas.  
>Cas should have been there, drinking hot chocolate and asking things like 'Dean, it's already hot chocolate, why does it need chocolate sprinkles as well?' or 'I don't understand how that is possible, Dean. Surely the hotel staff would seen through his deceit?' along with that head tilt as he watched the film.<p>

Whatever he was doing, though, Dean couldn't help but hope that he was okay and he quickly prayed to the Angel to wish him a Happy Christmas.

**A/N: Merry Christmas!**

**As you can probably tell, this fic is inspired by the song 'Fast Car' by Tracy Chapman. Anyway, there are two more parts to come so I won't leave you on such a sad note.**

**As ever, thank you to my brilliant beta infinitejellybean who puts up with my insane spelling/grammar and manages to make my work readable.**

**This is also posting on my AO3 under the same name.  
>My tumblr is bakura-reads-yaoi, come say hi!<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

Mid-February and Dean was determined to prove that he wasn't dependent on alcohol to Sam. For the past two weeks, the older brother had been allowed nothing stronger than a light beer.

In all honesty; it was Hell, and Dean thought he was a pretty decent judge of that.

It also meant that he couldn't knock himself out at night into a dreamless, and drunken, sleep.

This resulted in far too many frustrated nights for Dean, whether it being because he couldn't get to sleep or because he woke up from a perfect dream-world that was haunted by the soft sounds of beating wings and the bright blue of unearthly eyes.

Currently, Dean was experiencing the latter. He stood underneath the (very cold) shower, trying to regain control over his subconscious and the beautifully torturous images it decided to supply him with.

The cold water helped to fend off his physical reactions to the dream (he really needed to get laid...) but the actual contents still haunted him.

Ghost-like touches across every inch of his skin, a phantom moan of his name whispered into the shell of his ear, a lingering vision of black pupils blown wide with arousal, leaving only a small sliver of blue visible around the edges.

His sleeping mind made him want to both curl up and cry as well s put his fist through a wall; surely his waking hours were bad enough - what, with him wearing himself down with thoughts of the Angel - but no, even in sleep his mind gave him no rest.

One of the /Supernatural/ titles idly crossed his mind and Dean inwardly cursed Chuck and his creepy, Prophet precision as he turned off the shower. _No Rest For The Wicked_, the accuracy of it almost hurt.

When Dean left his room in only the robe he had dubbed as his, he almost pulled the last bottle of whiskey from the cupboard but remembered his mission at the last moment.

Right then and there, Dean had already decided that that day would suck. Immensely.

~x~x~x~

When May arrived, Dean helped Charlie throw an actual party for Sam; they had cake, bad music and enough alcohol to make everything funny.

Sure, both brothers were grouchy in the morning, heads feels like hammers were rattling around inside them, but they'd had fun; them and their little makeshift family.

May 15th came and went but Dean gritted his teeth and simply downed another beer in his Angel's name.

~x~x~x~

Towards the end of August - when the evening air was still muggy but a crisp scent whistled through the trees and down alleyways that heralded the coming of colder weather - the Winchesters had just finished up a fairly basic salt n burn case and we're celebrating in the local bar.

"Don't deny it, Sam; I've seen you checking out blondie over there." Dean smirked over the edge of his beer as his brother took another glance before averting his eyes.

"Shut up, Dean."

"You should go for it, man, she's been eyeing you up too!" the older brother encouraged, tilting his bottle towards Sam.

"We were gonna leave tonight, I sh-"

"Sam, go for it. At least one of us is getting laid tonight."

When the younger Winchester opened his mouth to speak again, Dean simply cut right over him. "No. Go, go now. Just do it." and shoo'd him away, watching as his gangly brother went over to the woman, probably pulling out the puppy eyes and who-knew-what-else.

Dean's smirk turned into a fond smile as he drank some more of his beer.

Casting a look around the fairly crowded bar, the hunter failed to notice anyone who caught his own eye.

He wasn't looking for a trenchcoat anymore, or a head of hair that already looked as if it had taken a roll in the hay, but he still didn't see anybody.

Not that his libido wasn't there - God, no! - it was just that nobody ever held his attention, not for long anyway. He could still charm someone into giving them the information they needed, but he could never take it further than that. It just felt... _wrong_.

Dean had stopped comparing people to _Him_, but that didn't mean he was ready to fully let go. Not yet.

~x~x~x~

Before Dean knew it, it was coming up to Christmas again.

Lights winked and twinkled at him as he drove through the quiet streets on his way to the Bunker.

The sky was clouded over but the lights from the town gave everything a slight orange tinge. However, as Dean left the lights behind him, the sky became inky black and the trees creaked in the icy wind that promised snow before the week was out.

"Dean? Did you remember the extra tinsel?" Charlie called from where she was hanging baubles on a Christmas tree in the War Room.

"Yeah, I got it; red, gold and green."

"Your queen is pleased with your work." she grinned, grabbing one of the plastic bags and removing the long, sparkling strands.

Everyone in the Bunker had agreed to actually _try_ with Christmas this year; Sam was determined to perfect eggnog (and insisted that Dean try it, even though the older brother would rather to just drink the alcohol straight) while Charlie and Garth were attempting to make the Bunker look like Santa's grotto.

Kevin hadn't actively taken part in the decorating, instead curling up with one of the books on his college reading list or something found in the depths of the library, but when he was needed he did still help.

It was the eighteenth and Jody and Donna had called the day before to say they should be there for Christmas Day; Sam had then put Dean in charge of their presents causing the elder Winchester to freak, not that he'd admit it, because what do you even get sheriffs? He couldn't even buy for his brother!

Dean was just placing the star on top of the tree - Charlie couldn't reach so, therefore, it became Dean's job - when there was a knock on the Bunker door.

Sam stuck his head out of the kitchen, throwing his brother a questioning look. "I thought Jody and Donna weren't getting here until tomorrow at the earliest?"

"That's what they said." Dean said, picking up his gun on the way to the door.

"Who could it be then?" Garth asked, his voice lowered. Even Kevin was peering up from his latest book that was open before him on the library table.

Dean shrugged, cocked his gun and opened the door quickly, raising the fire arm to chest height.

_"Cas?!"_

~x~x~x~

Three hours later and Dean was still staring and pinching himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

Despite not waking up when his chewed nails dug into his skin, he still didn't want to believe Castiel was really there, just in case he did wake up.

"Just... Just run it by me, one more time." Sam was grinning from where he sat on the edge if the sofa next to Cas.

The residents of the Bunker (plus the Angel, whom Dean had always thought as living in the old Men of Letters' headquarters even if he hadn't been there at all) were all in the living room. Cas sat on the left side of the centre sofa with Charlie next to him, Sam on his other side and sitting on the arm of the couch. Kevin and Garth were on the other sofa; Garth looked at the Angel with wide eyes and part curiosity, part awe held in his gaze; Kevin, meanwhile, seemed to remember his last encounter with Castiel and, while he seemed fairly happy about the Seraph's return, he also appeared wary.

Dean, however, was leaning against the door frame, watching the scene from afar. He didn't want to get too close. He _couldn't._ It would kill him when he finally stumbled back into consciousness.

Castiel gave Sam a small smile before telling him again what had happened. "When the Angels returned to Heaven, myself and Metatron included, there was... It was almost war, factions attempted to take Heaven for their own and many have fallen because of it. Bartholomew and Naomi stood against Malachi, mainly. Both were willing slaughter en masse in order to gain control."

After a small pause, he continued. "I was... captured, at one point, with no form of trial, I was sentenced to death for my 'crimes'. It was lucky that Hannah helped me to escape and together we built our own side; one that wanted free will and a peaceful Heaven, a democracy like Heaven had never seen before.

"There were years of fighting and many have died, more than those who were lost during the Apocalypse, or in the war with Raphael or..." Castiel gulped. "Or when I opened Purgatory.

"Now, however, we have finally established a Council, of sorts; there are twelve elected representatives, of which I am one, who deal with the most pressing matters of Heaven."

Sam blinked a few times, his mouth hanging open slightly. "I just can't believe it, Cas, I mean- Just- _You're here_."

Dean heard Castiel huff a small laugh and could just imagine the small smile that would tug at his lips as his head dipped forward, how his eyes would light up despite how poker-faced the rest of him was. "Yes, I am struggling to believe it too."

The elder brother bit back his retort of_ 'yeah, you're not the only one.' _and, instead, went back into the main foyer-like area of the Bunker.

He could hear a laugh echo towards him from the living room and fought the urge to go back; they'd be fine without him.

Castiel's trenchcoat hung on one of the pegs to the left of the staircase, even the tan colour seemed bright to Dean now. Of all the situations Dean had thought of, everything he'd imagined doing when - _if_ - Cas came back, hiding away hadn't been the one he had thought he'd go for.

But that was the real Castiel in there; Castiel, Angel of the Lord; Member of the Angelic Council or whatever. And Dean was... A drop out, someone with too many Daddy issues, a _failure_-

"Dean?" Sam's voice cut him from his thoughts.

The elder brother put on a smile before he turned around. "Yeah, Sam?"

"Well, nothing really, I just thought you'd be in there talking to him, you know?" How his gigantor of a brother managed to look that innocent, he'd never know.

"Yeah, I will in a min, Sam; I was just getting a drink." Dean dismissed, wandering towards the kitchen and pulling two beers out of the fridge.

"Thanks." Sam murmured, uncapping the bottle passed to him. "It's just... weird!" he grinned. "I mean, Cas is _back _and there's the whole Council thing and just-"

"I know, Sam, it's great." but Dean sounded defeated even to his own ears.

Sam frowned at him from where he leant against the table. "Dean, what's wrong? I woulda thought you'd be happy."

"Yeah, of course I am!"

The younger Winchester seemed caught between looking concerned and pulling a bitchface. "Then why are you in here moping instead of being in there with your friend?"

The green eyed man put his beer down and scrubbed a hand over his face. "I don't know, I just-"

Sam's voice had lowered when he asked "Is it about what you, um,_ said_, or-"

Dean's head snapped up and he glared at his brother. "Shut up."

"But, Dean, I-"

"Dammit, Sam, drop it." the older brother hissed.

Sam seemed to lose his patience and kept going. "No, Dean; even if you want to forget what you said or whatever, I don't care. Cas is in there and I can bet that he's missed you; you were probably his first friend so nut up and go and talk to him." Sam sighed. "I heard you praying, okay. I know you've missed him so go and talk to him - you thought you'd never get the chance to, but now you have so go and take it. Just after you left, he was saying how long he's been away... Dean, it's been almost two hundred years for him, time works in Heaven the same as it does in Hell, apparently."

Dean stood staring after Sam's speech. "I... I didn't-"

"You didn't know, yeah, well now you do so just go, okay."

The older Winchester nodded and made his way back to the living room, unsure of whether Sam was following him or not but finding that he didn't really care; the dam had broken and now all he could think was _Cas is back_.

He walked back into the living room to find Charlie recounting the story of how Garth had pulled a Christmas cracker with Sam the year before and had fallen off of his chair when it broke. Both Kevin and Charlie were laughing and Garth was bright red, protesting that 'it wasn't _that_ funny!.

Dean walked around and sat on the edge of Kevin and Garth's sofa so he could see the small smile on Castiel's face; he had to admit, it was still a little jarring to see the Angel without the trenchcoat or a suit jacket on.

Charlie noticed Dean first and looked up from the armchair, and from underneath the blanket wrapped around her shoulders, almost like a cape. "Oh, hey Dean." she smiled.

Castiel looked up and his smile grew a little wider. "Hello Dean." And if that wasn't just what Dean had wanted to hear for the past nineteen months then he was lying to himself.

"So, according to Sam, only making hot chocolate for myself and not offering to for anyone else is rude or some shit," Dean quickly lied, trying not to stare at the Angel too much. "So does anybody want some?"

Charlie grinned. "Ooh, me! Cas, you have got to try Dean's hot chocolate; he has been blessed to only produce amazing cocoa, I'm telling you." the redhead chatted as if they were old friends.

Castiel nodded once. "Then I guess I will try some, if it is no problem."

"Nah, it's no problem." Dean grinned. _Damn_, why had he been running from this? "Anyone else?"

Kevin and Garth both said that they wanted some too just as Sam walked in.

"Hot chocolate? Count me in too, Dean."

"Nah, you can make your own, Samsquatch." the elder brother smirked.

"What? Why does everyone get some but me?"

"I like everyone else, that's why."

"You're such a dick!" Sam shouted after him and Dean laughed properly and freely for the first time in what felt like ages.

~x~x~x~

Dean had been right; Cas did ask why it needed chocolate sprinkles when it was already a 'chocolate based drink, regardless of its temperature'.

When Dean told him just to try it, he'd conceded that it tasted good but had managed to get cream stuck to his top lip in the process which seemed to be endlessly amusing to Charlie.

Dean, however, had simply found it distracting, especially when Cas ran his tongue across his lip in order to remove the cream; he wanted to chase the taste of it into Cas' mouth with his own tongue but he shut down those thoughts right then and there. There was no time for stupid fantasies.

The six of them were still awake at around eleven that night - watching some awful Christmas special of a show Dean didn't recognise - and it was Sam who finally addressed the elephant in the room.

"So, um, Cas, are you staying for Christmas or was this just a flying visit?" Sam asked and Dean tried not to seem too tense in anticipation for the answer.

Castiel tilted his head to the side as if both considering his answer and listening to something.

"I believe it will be safe for me to stay." he said after a moment. "If that is okay, of course."

Dean almost laughed at how ridiculous that was, because _of course _he could stay! There was a room ready and everything, Dean had made sure of that.

"I've got no problem with you staying." Sam assured him.

"Cas, of course you can stay." Dean quickly assured him, almost challenging anyone to say otherwise but nobody did, instead they were all happy that he was staying. "That's settled, I'll make up a room." the hunter told him with a small smile, clapping Cas on the shoulder as he stood.

Sam gave him an odd look that Dean read clearly as _Dean, we both know there's already room for him_ and the older brother responded with a shrug before walking out.

The room was exactly as Dean had left it; the bed was made, an extra pillow in case Cas was uncomfortable, emergency clothes in the drawers and a silver knife on one of the bed side tables, just as a precaution because you could never be _too_ paranoid, or so Dean thought anyway.

There was a little dust on the surfaces and nothing to show that the room belong to anyone (unlike Dean's with its photos and old guns; Charlie's with her odd cosplays and gaming consoles; half of the library had apparently permanently moved into Kevin's room) but it wouldn't remain bleak for long, not if Dean could help it.

He quickly smoothed the bedspread, used his over shirt to get rid of most of the dust and simply hoped that it would be okay.

As Dean showed Cas his room, the Angel had smiled a little and said 'Technically, I don't need to sleep, Dean' but the other man had brushed him off with 'After two hundred years of fighting, like Hell you don't need sleep. And with how Donna and Charlie do Christmas, you'll need every chance to rest you can get'.

Castiel's head tilted. "Donna?"

"Shit, yeah, you haven't met Donna! And you'll meet Jody too; man, you're gonna have a great Christmas. Promise."

Cas considered him for a moment. "I- Thank you, Dean."

"No need to thank me; it's what family's for." Dean grinned at him. "Anyway, if you need anything, I'm right next door. Night, Cas."

And this time, after so many, there was a response. "Goodnight, Dean."

~x~x~x~

Jody and Donna arrived on the twenty first and both greeted Castiel with warm smiles.

"So _you're_ the Angel that Winchester-mini has been mooning over." Jody smirked, pulling the Angel into a hug which he returned somewhat awkwardly.

Dean felt his face flush and he spluttered -much to Sam's amusement - "I- I don't know what you're- I never- _Jody_!" he finally hissed which caused everybody to laugh.

"Ah, now, she's just teasing." Donna smiled, pulling off her woolly mittens so she could shake Cas' hand. "I'm Donna and I guess you're Castiel. The way they were all talking last year I thought I'd never get to meet one of y'all but, well, here you are!"

"I- Yes, for a while I thought I may never return to Earth but I'm glad I am back." the Angel said as Donna let go of her hand.

"And I'm sure we're all just as glad, even if it is just to stop Dean's moping." she stage-whispered the last part with a wink and the older brother threw his hands up in the air.

"I give up, Christmas in cancelled, get out."

"Oh, lighten up, Dean." Sam huffed, punching his shoulder. "Stop being such a Grinch."

"I'm not a Grinch, you're a... Grinch, shut up." Dean snapped, glaring at his brother who just laughed.

The elder hunter couldn't bring himself to care, however, because Cas was smiling and, to him, it was brighter than all the lights on their Christmas tree.

~x~x~x~

"Sam! What the _fuck_ is this?!" Dean hollered, glaring at the mistletoe that hung in the doorway to the library as if it had personally offended him.

Sam skidded to a halt at the other end of the library, almost losing his balance on his socked-feet and dressed in only a thin T-shirt and grey sweatpants. "What? What's what?"

Dean gritted his teeth and and simply pointed up, glare never leaving his face but instead settled it on his brother.

"Mistletoe." the younger brother said simply.

"Yes, I noticed,"Dean sneered shortly. "But _why_?"

Sam started to fuss with his hands a little then. "Well, it was kinda Charlie's idea but it sounded good so, we were thinking, if we could, maybe and if you're okay with it, I me-"

"Get to the point, Sam!"

"We were gonna get you and Cas under it." Sam blurted.

Dean stared, eyes wide and mouth open slightly. "You _what_?"

"It was a far fetched plan but we thought, maybe, if we could get you under the mistletoe then..."

"Then what? Everything would be sunshine, happiness, and sparkly rainbows? Is that it?" the elder hunter fumed.

"It was only a thought, Dean." Sam was trying to pull of the puppy eyes that, in any other case, would have made his brother crumble. "We didn't mean to-"

"Mean to what, Sam? Cause right now, all you're doing with that damn plant is making everything real fucking complicated."

Sam sighed. "Dean-"

"Stop it, just get that thing down from there." Dean snapped, turning away from the library but Sam called after him.

"You haven't seen the way he looks at you, you know."

The green eyed man whirled around. "What?" He felt like he was asking that far too much for just one morning.

Sam was wearing the beginnings of a bitchface as he continued "He looks at you like you're his entire world, not anyone else,_ you_."

Dean's eyes narrowed. "Sam, why the Hell would he look at me like that?" Surely his brother was just cruelly teasing him now; there was no way that _Castiel _would look at him like anything, maybe a friend if he was lucky but the Angel knew _everything_. Not even Sam knew everything about what he'd done in his life and he didn't need to; some stuff you just didn't tell your younger brother.

"I don't know, Dean," Sam bitched, walking towards his brother. "Maybe cause he pulled you from Hell? Disobeyed _and_ Fell for you? Died trying to keep you safe?"

"That wasn't just for me, that was for-"

"No, Dean, it was for you, why can't you just accept that?"

Dean looked away as he muttered "Cause I'm not worth any of it."

"What?" Sam asked, clearly not having heard him.

"Cause I'm not worth any of it!" Dean shouted, facing his younger sibling again. "It can't be for me because what would he see in me?! I'm a drop out, I can't do shit other than get people killed who I l- _care about_, and I'm just not worth it, okay?! He's literally older than dirt and I'm just one tiny human on a planet in the middle of fucking nowhere; so why am I worth it, Sam?"

Now it was the younger brother who stared. "Dean, I-"

"Okay, Sam, just... whatever." Dean sighed, all his energy drained from the argument. With one last glare at the mistletoe, he stalked from the library back to his room and the, now very appealing, bottle of whiskey he had under his bed in case of emergencies.

~x~x~x~

Whether Sam had said something or not, Dean didn't know but nobody bothered him the rest of the day so it was morning of the twenty third when the elder hunter ventured back into the main body of the Bunker, in search of aspirin because, _damn_, his head really freaking hurt. In hindsight, maybe drinking the entire bottle and eating nothing hadn't been a good idea after all.

Cas was in the kitchen when Dean got there, nursing a mug of coffee in his hands and looking half asleep where he sat at the table. He was dressed simply in a dark blue T-shirt and a pair of flannel pyjama bottoms.

"Good morning, Dean." he murmured, downing some of the coffee afterwards and Dean set about pouring his own cup.

The hunter couldn't help but smile at how Cas looked; clearly, he wasn't a morning person.

"Whatever happened to not needing sleep?" he teased.

"I don't need to, I chose to, and apparently both my Grace and my body to not wish to wake up properly." Castiel sounded grouchy and Dean didn't find it cute. Nope. Not at all.

"You're just not a morning person, Cas; most _normal_ people aren't." Dean stressed as Sam entered the kitchen, still in his jogging clothes.

Sam scowled. "What're you trying to say, Dean?" he asked, dropping into the seat across from Cas.

"That normal people don't go jogging or whatever in the morning; it's not natural, Sam."

"Whatever, Dean. Jerk." Sam muttered.

"Bitch." the older brother huffed automatically just as Charlie and Garth entered the kitchen.

"Are you cooking breakfast, Dean?" Charlie asked, hopping onto the counter next to him, swinging her legs whilst Garth sat down to the right of Sam.

"What? No! You can all make your own damn breakfast!" Dean snapped, lowering some bacon onto the grill.

"But you do good bacon!" Charlie pouted. "And I don't trust Sam after last time."

"What happened?" Cas asked, seeming a little more awake.

"It wasn't that bad." Sam blushed.

"None of the bacon was edible! You disgraced your queen!" Charlie cried, pointing at the hunter dramatically.

"Sam; it wasn't bad, it was atrocious." Garth told him with a poker face that made everyone else laugh while Sam simply grumbled a little.

"You're all too awake." Jody complained, walking in and heading straight for the coffee machine, Donna coming in just behind her and going to sit on Castiel's left.

"Don't be such a sour puss, Jody." Charlie grinned from Dean's left as he scrambled eggs. He guessed he _was_ making breakfast after all.

"Ha ha." was all the sheriff said, sitting on Garth's right.

"I, personally, think mornings are great, it's just waking up that's the hard part." Donna said thoughtfully to which Garth nodded.

"Hey, d'you guys know an, um... Aaron Bass?" Kevin asked, poking his head around the door frame.

"Wasn't he your gay thing?" Sam smirked and the older brother through the dish cloth at him.

"Shut up. Yeah, we know him, Kev, why? What's up?" Dean asked, putting a second load of bread in the toaster; he felt like he was cooking for an army.

"Nothing, I don't think anyway, it's just there was a red light flashing in the War Room and apparently he'd left you guys a message saying Merry Christmas, said he got the number from an old book of his grandfather's or something."

The older Winchester blinked in surprise, after all, it had, essentially, been a couple of years since they'd heard from him. "Huh, we'll have to get back to him at some point, see how he's doing."

"Yeah, I wonder where he is now." Sam trailed off, eyes glazing as he thought until he snapped back to the present. "Anyway, Kev, are you having breakfast with us or...?"

The Prophet looked wary as he fully rounded the door. "You're not doing the bacon are you?"

"It wasn't that bad!" Sam exclaimed as everyone laughed, even Cas was chuckling a little.

Kevin sat in the last seat at the far end of the table, across from Jody, and joined the animate discussion between Sam and Garth about how bad the Winchester's cooking actually was.

"Be helpful and take these over." Dean turned to Charlie, handing her a plate stacked with toast and one stack of just plates.

The two made several journeys before all of the food had been moved onto the table and everyone had a cup of coffee.

Charlie then took the seat next to Sam leaving the last seat for Dean. Next to Cas. The redhead wiggled her eyebrows at him as he sat down, elbows already brushing with the Angel's due to how they were all relatively squished around the table.

Dean glared at her a little but she was already talking to Kevin about something... techy, from what the hunter could understand.

He'd never pegged himself as one who would - _could_ - settle into a somewhat domestic routine, but Dean found that he liked it. He liked sitting around their too-small table with everyone smiling and getting on and no immediate threat of an Apocalypse hanging over their heads. It was... nice, simple, in a way that his life hadn't been in a long time.

"You do make good bacon." Cas finally told him.

"Dude, have you ever even had bacon before?" Dean asked.

A small hesitation. "No, but I believe that this is still better than others could prepare."

"Well then thanks, I think." The elder Winchester narrowed his eyes a little as he thought it over. He finally decided that, yeah, it was a compliment.

"Wait until you try his pie." Donna nudged Cas and gave him a lazy wink.

The Angel smiled back a little. "I look forward to it."

~x~x~x~

But of course, Dean couldn't have a nice Christmas. It was simply impossible, apparently, because it was Christmas Eve when shit truly hit the fan.

The mistletoe had made its reappearance; but not just in the library, no, now It was by the living room, towards the bedrooms, even by the damn _garage_.

Dean was thoroughly prepared to salt and burn the entire Bunker just to be rid of the stupid plant.

When he'd contented Sam and Charlie about it, he'd only gotten 'It's just a bit of fun' and 'It's a Christmas tradition!' before they were interrupted, lo and behold, by Castiel asking why there was mistletoe. The elder brother left then, leaving Dumb and Dumber to explain.

So for the entire morning, Dean was watching the ceiling more than where he was going; he was _determined_ not to get caught under it. Even he knew, however, that that could only last for so long.

Sam had just called his brother into the library because 'Hey, can you make any sense of this?' but, as he rounded the corner, he found Cas holding a stack of books.

The elder hunter stopped to ask why, forgetting about the mistletoe, but never managed to get out a question as the Angel leaned over the tower of books he held and kissed him softly.

Before Dean could respond - his brain going haywire about how Castiel felt so close; his lips were chapped but warm and soft, the books were pressed between them but Dean didn't feel any pain from where they dug into his collarbone slightly - it was over and the Seraph was pulling back and saying 'Happy Christmas' like he hadn't just destroyed all of Dean's higher functioning brain cells.

"What?" was all the green eyed man managed to force out, trying not to lean in towards the Angel.

Castiel looked up pointedly. "Mistletoe; Charlie informed me that if two people are under it then they are supposed to kiss."

Dean looked up and, yup; there was a branch or the stupid plant, right above them both. "Yeah. Yeah, it's some weird tradition... thing, yeah." The hunter stumbled, trying to stop the blush he was sure was spreading across his cheeks and his neck.

The Angel 'hmm'd in that way he had of saying 'humans are so weird with traditions; weird small things, all of you' without actually saying it, before Charlie's voice sounded from behind one of the bookcases; shouting for Cas to come help her with something.

As Castiel walked away, Dean didn't know whether he wanted to follow him and drag him back under the mistletoe or try to rewind time and stop it from ever happening. It certainly didn't help that Sam was sitting at one of the far tables smirking at him, as if he had done Dean a huge favour.

The older brother dropped into a chair next to him and hissed "What the _fuck_ are you trying to do here?"

Sam looked like Dean had slapped him. "I was just-"

"I swear to God, Sam, if you say 'helping' I'm gonna kick your ass."

"But Dean-"

"No, Sam, stop it; you'll only make things weird and awkward and Cas'll think he's making it weird so just _stop_."

"Dean, no; I won't stop because I want to see you happy! And if you just _looked_, you'd see that he has mushy, Angelic feelings about you too." The younger brother was pulling a bitchface and Dean thought it looked like, if he tried any harder, he might pull a muscle.

Dean sighed; he just couldn't be bothered to put up with any more nonsense. He knew where Cas stood with him, and it was no where near what Dean wanted. "Whatever, Sam, just... whatever."

~x~ x~x~

But as the day progressed, everything just seemed to get worse: Charlie 'accidentally' knocked Dean over but _luckily_ Cas was there to catch him; Sam just _happened_ to bump into Castiel as he was about to drink something, causing it, instead, to spill over the Angel's T-shirt which then clung to his body far too snuggly for Dean's comfort; not to mention how they both just _seemed_ to be helping people with odd things and get caught under mistletoe-infested doorways.

By the evening, Dean had taken to not leaving his room (no he was not hiding/sulking, thank you very much - or so he thought) and, instead, listening to an old _Metallica_ cassette through his headphones; which also explained why he didn't hear the soft knock at his door. Instead, he only noticed when Castiel started to push the door open and pop his head around.

The elder Winchester took off his headphones and sat up. "What's up, Cas?"

Castiel seemed almost nervous as he entered the room, closing the door with a soft _click_ behind him. "It just seemed that..." he trailed off as if he couldn't find the words and was annoyed with himself about it.

The hunter moved to sit on the end of the bed and gestured for Cas to sit next to him.

The Angel seemed to consider what to say, after sitting down, before finally settling on "Have I done something to make you feel uncomfortable, Dean?"

Said man blanched a little. "What? No! No, of course not. Why would you think that?"

Castiel looked at him then, with eyes that seemed far too old for how he appeared and with an intensity Dean couldn't describe. "You seem to be avoiding me, and everyone else, and I was just thinking it might to be because of the mistletoe."

Dean wanted to say that it was anything but the mistletoe, that the hunter secretly crazed getting 'stuck' under the plant together. "What, no! I was just, I'm, tired, I guess."

Cas' mouth twitched into a small smile then. "I'm glad you are not uncomfortable." He then huffed a little, something that could have been laugh. "The mistletoe was actually the opposite for m-" he seemed to realise what he was saying and stood quickly, his eyes wide. "I'm sorry, I'll just go-"

"No, wait!" Dean immediately grabbed the other man's arm; looked like it was sharing and caring time, there was. No getting away from it anymore. "What d'you mean?"

Castiel swallowed thickly, trying to avoid Dean's gaze. "My... feelings, for you, are not entirely..." he stopped then as if trying to postpone what he was saying for as long as possible. The hunter knew Cas could easily overpower him so he was there by choice, Dean took that as a good sign. "They're not _platonic_, anymore." He finished quietly.

Dean was dreaming. That was the only possible explanation. Castiel was still talking, something about leaving or being sorry or something, but it just wasn't registering. Next thing the hunter knew, he'd cupped Cas' jaw and was shushing him with a gentle kiss; no movement, just a soft press which Cas tried to talk through at first before his hands settled on Dean's arms in an attempt to pull him closer.

"Dean...?" Cas asked, not leaning far enough away to talk properly so the words were spoken against the hunter's mouth.

"I guess you could say that I don't exactly feel 'platonic' about you either." Dean murmured back, trying his best to look at the Angel despite the odd angle. "Although I'd probably say it was more like 'I tried to suppress everything until it slapped me 'round the head'."

The Winchester felt Cas' smile more than he saw it. "Yes, that does sound like you."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." Dean griped, biting the Seraph's bottom lip lightly which, in turn, pulled a happy hum from the other man.

"If it reassures you, it took me almost killing you to realise why exactly I felt different towards you than others."

Dean pulled back slightly. "The crypt?"

Castiel nodded, still not letting go of Dean's arms. "I knew I considered you my friend - or what some may call 'best friend', I suppose - and the other Angels seemed to know this; perhaps they knew how I really felt even before I did but it wasn't until the crypt that I understood for myself. I guess that is also one of the reasons I ran; what was I supposed to do, after all?"

Dean put their foreheads together. "I didn't clue in 'til Purgatory, by that lake. But we've made it now. Fuck knows how." And that managed to draw a small laugh from Cas.

"I suppose you could say we make, ah, 'quite the pair'."

Dean snorted. "Yeah we do, Cas. Yeah we do."

~x~x~x~

Castiel spent that night in Dean's room, Sam knew because when he went to wake up his brother - because _hello! Christmas!_ - he found the Angel curled around his brother in the bed with Dean holding onto the Angel like his life depended on it.

Neither of them stirred so Sam shut the door and went with waking them up by banging on it obnoxiously. "Dean! Come on, you've gotta get up this morning; it's Christmas! No getting out of it, jerk!"

And because he is, in fact, the best little brother in the world, he doesn't wait for Dean to open the door and have to try and explain Cas curled up in his bed. Instead, he heads into the War Room where everyone else is already waiting and nods once at Charlie.

"Are you being serious right now?" she almost squeals.

"Yup, no idea how it happened but they were both asleep in Dean's room." Sam told her, sitting down next to her on the sofa they'd pushed through so they could keep the presents under the tree.

Everyone else was smiling and Donna was saying something about how she was glad they'd worked everything out but the redhead seemed quite animated about it.

She did a small fist pump, a smile on her face. "It's _canon_!"

Sam grinned at her and how she was far too enthusiastic about his brother's love life. "'Canon'?"

"Yeah, it's when two people, or characters, are in a-"

"Merry Christmas!" Donna suddenly said over them, shooting them a look that clearly said Dean and Cas were behind them.

Sam looked over his shoulder to find Dean looking slightly edgy and Castiel looking tired (and dressed all in Dean's clothes).

"Couldn't we have rescheduled Christmas morning for this afternoon?" Dean yawns. dropping to the floor to Charlie's right.

"No, your queen wants her present and she demands your presence for when she opens it." Charlie huffed with a smile, nudging Dean with her foot.

The elder Winchester made a small grunting noise before Cas settled in next to him, head on his shoulder and they both seemed to doze from then on; half asleep and looking content.

Sam even held his tongue with the teasing; he could do that, at least for one day, after all, there'd be plenty more opportunities to come.

~x~x~x~

The brothers were washing up when Dean finally tried to admit his big gay love for the whipped Angel.

"So, um, you know the whole mistletoe plan _thing_ you and Charlie were doing?" Dean had started, staring down into the dish water.

Sam held back a smirk. "Yeah?"

Dean coughed and shrugged a little. "I mean, I guess you could say it, ah, _worked _and-"

"It's okay, Dean, I already know. So does everyone else and, honestly, we're all just glad you got your head out of your ass; there's only so much kicked-puppy-you people can take." The younger hunter assured him, smiling a little too. "Although, it is fun gearing you explain it, do carry on."

Dean punched him in the arm but looked relieved, scowling as Sam laughed at him anyway. "How do you even know, bitch?"

"What, despite the PDAs this morning, jerk? I came in to wake you both up but accidentally walked in on a cuddle session."

The older brother blushed then. "Yeah, well..."

"But it doesn't matter, Dean, because you're happy." And Sam knew he was, just from how he was acting; so much lighter and freer than he had seen him in years.

"Yeah, Sam, I guess I am." he admitted, thinking of Cas but also the family they'd built, the one he was sharing Christmas with in _their_ Bunker and Dean knew that he'd never let any of them go.

**A/N: So, this can be perceived as the end but there is another part currently being written that is pretty much just all shameless smut.**

**This was beta'd by infinitejellybean, whom I would probably die without.**

**I hope you all have a great Christmas with cheesy films, bad Christmas cracker jokes and tacky jumpers as well as a happy New Year! (****。⌒∇⌒****)****。**

**This is also posting on my AO3 under the same name.  
>My tumblr is bakura-reads-yaoi, come say hi!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

Dean had decided that if he could choose his Heaven, then that night was an incredibly close runner for first place.

Both Dean and Cas had been slightly tipsy as they ventured back into his - __their__ - room; cheeks flushed from the sherry and whiskey and smiles on their faces because they'd been at home and, in their own small area, everything was fine for once. Fantastic, even. The elder Winchester would probably even go as far as saying that it was awesome.

Dean wrapped his arms around the Angel's waist from behind and kissed his neck. "I really fucking missed you, ya know."

Castiel turned in the hunter's arms and held the other's face carefully in his palms. "I know, Dean, I heard every prayer and I always wanted to tell you that I missed you too." he says, in between kissing Dean softly.

"Two hundred years, Cas; I can't even imagine..."

"It's okay, I'm here now." the Seraph smiled, kissing Dean harder, more insistent, and moving back towards the bed.

They were panting when they pulled apart now, Castiel sitting in the edge of the bed, Dean crouching slightly in front of him. One hand supporting himself on the bed, the other cradling Cas' neck.

"Lie back for me, Cas," Dean murmured into the sensitive skin behind the Angel's ear. "Lie back for me, I got you."

The Seraph eagerly moved back to sit against the headboard, legs stretched out in front of him and his erection clearly tenting the front of his (borrowed) jeans.

Dean settled himself between the Angel's legs before slowly undoing the button and zipper, keeping his eyes on Cas' face the entire time as his eyes fluttered closed, head tipped back, and a low moan clawed its way out of his throat.

The hunter made quick work of the jeans and then the Angel's boxers, throwing both pieces of clothing off somewhere to his left so that he could truly focus on his task without hindrance.

The Angel was looking down at Dean with half-lidded eyes and kiss-bruised, parted lips.

Dean kept eye contact with the Seraph as he took the other man's cock into his mouth, a loose fist wrapped around its base. However, Castiel's eyes rolled back as he moaned thickly, his hips bucking automatically so that Dean had to place a hand on his hip to keep him still.

He pulled off with a quiet __pop__ which brought the Angel's attention back to him. "If I do anything you don't want," the hunter told him. "No matter what, tell me to stop and I'll stop."

"I don't want you to stop," Cas told him lowly, propping himself up on one elbow and carding his other hand through Dean's hair. "I __really__ want you to keep going."

Dean smirked but kept his gaze serious. "Promise me, Cas. Please."

"Dean, of course I promise, but I trust you. I always have."

And it's a Christmas miracle that Dean didn't come right then because the truth of the statement showed in the Angel's eyes and Dean was determined to show him that the feeling was mutual.

Dean took Cas' cock back into his mouth and sucked on the head, flicking his tongue into the slit a few times and tasting the saltiness of pre-come as well as pulling yet more moans from the Angel.

As the hunter stroked what he couldn't take in his mouth in time with the bobbing of his head, he reached up with his other hand and gently rolled Cas' balls with the palm of his hand.

Cas was letting out choked breaths and heady moans with each swipe of Dean's tongue. One of his hands was gripping the sheets next to his thigh while the other one had come to rest in Dean's hair, pulling gently.

Dean's teeth grazed over the thick vein on the underside of Cas' cock making the Angel clutch his hair tighter, a stuttering breath seeming to get caught in his throat. "__Dean__..."

The other man moaned in response, around the Seraph's dick making him snap his hips forward involuntary.

Dean pulled of again and let the Angel breathe for a moment. "Gotta be careful, babe."

Castiel nods, looking down at where Dean lay between his thighs. "It's just- It's so __much__."

The hunter smirked a little at that. "I know, but we've barely even started yet." And he knew his grin was downright lewd at this point but he honestly didn't care.

Castiel, however, pouted at him, the hand that had been fisting the sheets coming up to pull at the hunter's shoulder almost exactly where his hand print used to lie. "But it's..." he looked away, red staining his cheeks. "At the same time it's not enough."

"And what would be enough, baby?" Dean asked, placing a kiss just above Cas' naval, where his T-shirt had ridden up, and slowly making his way up the Angel's body until he was straddling his hips, still fully clothed. "D'you want me to ride you until all I know is your name and you mine? Is that what you want?"

Castiel's eyes were wide as he made eye contact with the other man again. "But, Dean what about-"

Dean cupped Cas' face in his hands and leaned in, kissing him once. "Forget Hell, Cas. Forget that I- that I fucking __sold myself __so I had enough cash to feed Sam, okay? This is about you and me and I... I trust you, man; I __need__ you."

Castiel was silent for a moment and Dean couldn't help but panic a little; once again, he'd laid himself bare and he had no control over the answer.

Before he could really and truly panic, however, Cas had surged up and kissed him with an intensity that reminded Dean just exactly __who__ and __what__ Cas was; murmuring things like 'Yes, Dean' and 'Please' into his mouth after every other kiss, every other sharp nip of teeth and slow swipe of his tongue.

They lost their clothes somewhere along the line; possibly (probably) getting ripped as they all but tore them off of each other, hands instantly seeking out the warm skin that was revealed.

When Cas' hand finally - fucking __finally__ - closed around Dean's cock he felt like he was going to sob or explode or both; long, careful fingers pulled far too loosely up and down the stretch of skin, making Dean pant into the Seraph's shoulder in heaving gulps.

"How d'you wanna do this?" Dean asked, panting slightly onto Cas' collarbone. "D'you want me on my back? Or riding you? Or-"

"However you're comfortable, Dean." Cas says, kissing the hunter's forehead.

"Okay," Dean said, leaning over to the bedside table and pulling the half bottle of lube from where it had been in the top drawer as well as a condom and placed them on the bed. "Okay." he says again because, __damn__, this was __Cas __and he had no idea how to say how good this felt. It was finally happening.

Cas placed his hands on the hunter's hips, his thumbs sweeping in arches across hip bones that left jolts of lightning in their wake. Dean kept eye contact with the Angel as he tore open the condom packet with his teeth and fisted it over Cas' erection, making the Angel moan and buck slightly, before spreading lube onto three of his fingers and reached behind himself, towards his entrance.

Castiel was looking up at him as if he was something precious, something worth saving; so when he pushed the first finger in up to the first knuckle, he also ground down just to see Cas' eyes roll back in pleasure as their cocks met. They moaned simultaneously into each other's skin as Dean carried on rocking; forward into Cas and back onto his own finger.

One of Cas' hands came to pinch at his right nipple at the same time as Dean pushed another finger just past his rim, causing him to shudder with a low groan. "Like that, Cas, oh fuck, just like that." he moaned as the Seraph continued to squeeze and roll the sensitive bud between his finger.

Dean was rocking onto three of his fingers in earnest now, deliberately avoiding his prostrate because there was no way he was letting himself finish too soon; he'd come too far for that to happen.

Castiel gave a sharp roll of his hips which Dean translated as that Cas wasn't going to last long either, not if he was feeling the same electricity shooting up his spine as the hunter was.

"You're so beautiful, Dean." Cas panted.

Dean felt himself flush as he pulled himself off his fingers, lifting above Castiel after kissing him slowly, hoping to tell him everything that he couldn't put in to words.

Bracing himself with one arm beside the Angel's head, Dean guided Cas' cock to his stretched rim and slowly sank down, biting his teeth at the burn he felt.

Castiel seemed to stop breathing beneath him, his hands tightening over the hunter's hip bones to the point where Dean was positive he would have bruises in the morning.

After a few moments of slowly rocking, Dean felt Cas bottom out and he moved so both his arms bracketed the Angel's head. It had been a long time since he'd done this but Dean was glad that he was; the burn was slowly ebbing away and his skin felt hot all over and he knew he was blushing but he didn't care.

Almost skittish hands ran along his waist, hips, and abdomen before the other man spoke in a wrecked voice. "Dean, if it's too much we can stop."

The hunter shook his head. "No way, Cas. You tell me to stop now and I'll kill you."

He felt Cas smile as he kissed him slowly before he began to rock his hips into Dean, the other man starting to move with him almost immediately and helping the Angel to push closer, __deeper__.

Castiel was panting hotly against Dean's neck and Dean almost hit himself for being so stupid; Cas had never done this before! He started to clench when he rose up, drawing strangled groans from the Seraph, while he whispered a constant stream of 'Yes, Cas' and 'Just there' and 'Fill me so nicely, baby' into Cas' ear. He was determined to make it perfect for his Angel.

Dean changed his position slightly as one of Castiel's hands moved to grip his ass, his nails digging in with just the right amount of pressure to create a burn that the hunter loved. In this new position, Cas started to strike Dean's prostate with almost every thrust causing him to moan and cling to Castiel's shoulders as he continued to rock backwards, faster and harder, his cock bobbing heavily between them.

"'m close, Cas; fill me up so well, got me so close." he mumbled, the words fighting back moans in order to be heard as sparks shot themselves up his body from where Cas' cock was striking the bundle of nerves with almost bone-jarring force and precision.

Castiel panted harshly a few times before cupping Dean's face in one hand. "Dean- Dean-"

"It's okay, Cas; let go, I've got you, babe, I've got you."

With an almost startled grunt which eased out into a moan, Cas' arms tightened around Dean as he came.

The hunter momentarily forgot about himself and was focused solely on Castiel coming back to himself; his breathing still heavy, cheeks flushed, and his eyes fluttering open, showing nothing but - __fuck__ - __love__ as Dean looked down at him.

Without looking away, Cas took Dean's, still throbbing, erection and pumped it slowly, Dean groaning as his head tipped forward so his forehead rested on the Angel's collarbone.

As Cas sped up his movements, repeating the sentiments that Dean had murmured before, the other man rocked himself into the perfect heat of Cas' hand, trying to get enough air into his lungs.

With one final 'I've got you, Dean, you're okay now', Dean was gone: he came with a shout of Cas' name that he muffled against the Seraph's neck, his whole body going taught as he came in white ribbons across Cas' hand and their chests before collapsing forward, lying half on top of Cas and half to his right side.

Dean pulled the Angel closer as well as tugging up the covers from where they had been kicked to the bottom of the bed. Cas instantly snuggled closer and threw an arm over Dean's waist.

"' Love you, Dean." he told him quietly, peering up at the hunter from underneath dark lashes.

Dean leaned in and kissed the Seraph slowly, trying to tell him everything he couldn't put into words and, judging by the way Cas smiled at him afterwards, Dean was sure he'd gotten the message:

__I love you, too.__

_**A/N: **__beta'd by infinitejellybean who is the only reason I ever manage to finish anything._

I haven't written porn in a long time and this ended up fluffier than I had planned but at least I got it finished (even though it's over a month late but shh).

this is also posted on my AO3 under the same name.

my tumblr is bakura-reads-yaoi, come say hi!


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